Have you ever experienced a time in your life when God seems to have abandoned you, left you alone to fend for yourself even though you know that he knows that you couldn’t handle that situation alone. You feel pained, angry at him and betrayed… Well, I have.
Some years ago, I was pregnant with my first child, it was a time of mixed emotions after some months of false pregnancies and unnamed illnesses. For a newly-wed who was initially ready to wait for a year before getting pregnant, the only news that was welcome was that all the back and forth with the hospitals meant one thing – I was pregnant. Thankfully, it eventually happened after seven months with no drama. The faith filled Christian I was, was ready for a seamless pregnancy despite all the stories about pregnancies and all. My faith was further boosted to an all-time high when I read the book –Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize. I looked forward to a painless delivery, Yes, people have had that and I could really be a real Hebrew woman. A Nigerian Hebrew woman. LOL. Anyway, I was ready.
As expected, my pregnancy was seamless, I worked without issues till a week to my expected delivery date (EDD). Even when stormy times arose at work, I was calm and trusted God through the process, He came through. Then it was time for the delivery… now my gynecologist had hinted that I might not be able to deliver my baby naturally as my pelvic bones were too small for the size of my baby but he just said it casually, probably not to scare me… Anyway, I reminded myself not to believe his report; a painless delivery awaits you, I said to myself.
One day, during one of our final ante-natal visits (my husband and I), he (the doctor) reiterated it, this time firmly, informing us that we needed to pick a date for an elective caesarian section (CS).
I refused to believe the report. I prayed and was expectant for a miracle, I was even excited to be the recipient of a miracle. I mean you’ve heard those stories where God shows up at the last minute to change the narrative… He’s a God of last minute, I was expectant no doubt. We even checked another hospital to counter our regular gynecologist’s prediction but the report wasn’t much different. Anyway, it didn’t change much within me, my faith wasn’t moved by all the theatrics.
As we got in to the ward on the scheduled date, I was still hopeful, that God would show up for me… I went into the theatre and came out hours later after being sedated to the news of my baby. I had mixed feelings…
I was a new mom. But my faith was shaken.
Did this really happen? I was cut open? I had a CS? Against all my best prayers and faith? Trust me I had faith more than a mustard seed and I was expectant. Where was God? I waited till the last minute? Why didn’t he show up?
Needless to say, I was broken. Inside of course. I had a testimony of a child, but not how I wanted, definitely not what I prayed for or expected. For a long time, I was angry with God… I was confused. I did not know if it was still reasonable to believe since my faith may or may not work? It was a confusing time for my spiritual walk especially since everyone was really thankful about the mother and the child and not really aware of the battles I was fighting inside, I couldn’t just see the testimony without asking questions? Why? Then the pain after a CS is crazzzzzzzyyyy! So much for a pain-free birth or maybe it was the disappointment I felt that made it all the worse…
NB: It is not a good time to tell me how safe having a CS is or say it doesn’t matter if it was vaginal or CS, as long as the mother and baby are fine, because that is not the issue; the issue was with my faith and my God…
BOOK REVIEW: WHEN GOD DOESN’T MAKE SENSE: Holding on to your faith during the hardest times: DR. JAMES DOBSON: 1993: 250 PAGES
The book starts by analyzing different situations where God seems absent or where he simply doesn’t make sense, telling real life stories where these happen, agreeing with the numerous emotions that plagues the Christian during such loss, pain and unanswered questions.
I must warn you that some chapters are deeply emotional. You may catch yourself teary-eyed or even shed a tear or two reading about the sensitive and emotional stories where people have experienced loss, or were pained, frustrated and felt betrayed by God.
TO BE CONTINUED IN NEXT POST…